There are just a few things I would like to address first. I really don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea of why I am including fitness in my blog. And I would also like to share a bit of my own headspace on the topic.

So lets start by first addressing the fact that as women, most of us are familiar with judging ourselves harshly. While this isn’t limited to women, our outward appearance is from a very young age… impressed upon us that it’s is of utmost importance. Via both direct as well as indirect methods. In our homes. By the media. By our peers. It is impossible to escape.

Not too long ago, I saw a brief interview with a former top model. At one time, I believe she was touted as one of the world’s most beautiful women. She spoke about the fact that, even in the prime of her career… she felt like a fraud. She felt like any day they would look upon her and realize they cast the wrong girl. That she was too fat. That she was too plain. She stated that she felt like this her entire life. It hit me then, so many of us feel this way about ourselves. So many of us feel ugly and ashamed of our looks. Our bodies. But why? Why can’t we all just be comfortable in our skin?

I think because we have to unlearn everything we were programmed to think. It’s a hard thing to do. With social media, there are a lot of body positivity posts, but just as many shamers. Body shamers. Face shamers. Choice shamers. And on top of that, people are using filters and photoshop to hide every single flaw.

I do not agree with those who shame others. I think we all need to learn to love ourselves. And I think those who love themselves the least, are at times, the most outspoken about their dislike of another’s choices.

But how do we learn to love ourselves? I’m not saying that everyone struggles with this, but many I have talked to do. And I do too. I think the first step is to consciously work on turning off that voice in your head that tells you you are ugly, fat, skinny, short, tall, stupid, or that you can’t do something. It’s hard. That voice tends to become loudest when we are most unsure. Most vulnerable.

The second step is to stop listening to how others think you could be better. Do you know how many times a man has told me that he likes me with straight hair better? That isn’t even a fair statement. He is basically saying, “I do not like who you are naturally, and I think you should invest time and effort, and destroy the health of your hair so that I can find you more attractive.”

We shouldn’t even entertain those thoughts for a second. What used to stress me out, and sadden me, now just makes me angry.

It’s harder to come to terms with body image. So many of us feel, at least partly, that our self worth is tied closely to what dress size we are. How do we stop that dialogue in our head? How do we learn to feel good about ourselves?

At one time, I thought that if I changed my body… happiness would come. I thought that if I had bigger breasts and a smaller waistline, that I would finally feel comfortable in my skin. So I had surgery. I changed the two things I thought would make the biggest difference in how I felt about myself. You see, I had a child at a young age, and my body never bounced back like it does for some people. I felt like a monster when I looked in the mirror. I hated what I saw staring back at me. So when life made it possible for me to change it… surgically… I went for it.

I don’t tell many people this, and here I am blogging about it on the internet.

I remember, I had a nightmare right before my surgery. I was scheduled for a “Mommy Makeover”, which was a breast augmentation, a tummy tuck, and liposuction. I dreamt that I woke up from surgery, and I looked exactly the same as I did before. Nothing changed. I told my surgeon about this dream when he asked if I had any fears. He laughed it off and promised me that would not come to pass. But that dream I had ended up being premonitory in a way.

You see, while my body had underwent major change, my mind hadn’t. I still hated what I saw in the mirror every day. I still focused on whatever flaws I felt were at fault for making me ugly. Sure, over time the flaws I focused on changed. But there was always a reason for me to hate my reflection, and surgery did absolutely nothing to change that.

I did have the aptitude to realize at this time that the issue is my head and not my body. I realized I could probably throw a fortune at my body, through having procedure after procedure… and my thoughts would very likely keep finding a new flaw to focus on. It was both a relief and a hardship to realize this. I wanted so hard to believe that surgery was going to make me feel good about myself. But it never did.

I have found things along the way that have helped though. They help from the inside, out. So when I talk about fitness, please understand that I am not agreeing with the negative voice in your head. I am talking about it because in finding activity, and pushing myself physically, that is how I am able to quiet the way I judge myself.

Even with going to the gym frequently, and eating healthy, my body actually changes very little. It happens so slowly, that I could get discouraged, and on bad days, I sometimes do. But I remember on those days how it feels to be getting stronger. And I remember that I am changing how I feel about myself, and what I believe I can do. And it’s those things that make me feel worthy and equal, and no longer less than.

I don’t think anyone has a right to tell you that you need to change. But you know how you feel and if there is anything you need to work on. You aren’t stupid, you know if you are doing something that is unhealthy… whether that is unhealthy to remain the same or unhealthy to achieve your goals (it can go either way). So when I write about fitness, just know that I too struggle. And know that I am not telling you that you need to do what I do to be happy. I can only tell you what is working for me, and how I am changing how I feel about myself.